Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
