the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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