I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize