Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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