So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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