dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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