How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
