someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I am morally bankrupt
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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