My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
