i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
