You're a womanizer and a bitch.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
