Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
