I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
