i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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