she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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