I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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