how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
