just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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