I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
