How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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