Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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