Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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