doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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