White coat. Heels.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
