Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize