I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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