Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
