There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
