party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
