Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My ATM looks so different sober.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
