as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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