my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
