Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
