lets start a swedish sibling band together
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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