Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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