1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
