This is not my ceiling
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
