I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
