I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
God, you're like boner-b-gone
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
