here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
