awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
