for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
