So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
