how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
