Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
