If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize