i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize