It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
