You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
