i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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