I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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