I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
