my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
