Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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