My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
