who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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