Banned from zoo.
Again?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
