I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This baby is an asshole
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
