Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
