Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Blood and glitter go together right?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
