If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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