Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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