the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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