well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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