She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
