does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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